A Peek Inside

I am hesitant to share what I am going to share in this post... but I have decided that full disclosure and honesty is a good way to go about life. I'm feeling a little nervous about this post so just take it easy on me. The words and feelings in these poems are not all feelings I still feel.

Most of the time when I "journal" I end up writing poetry. They are not always beautiful or powerful or even that interesting, but I find that there are some that I go back to re-read. Some that resonate with me. So I decided to type a few of those up.


Mis Abuelitas
Branches reach out like the open arms of an abuelita
I found my abuelitas in a small church in the barrio.
Open arms and hearts took me in at my most vulnerable
Warm abrazos and besos on the cheek.
Hand holding and butt pinching.
They are REAL and honest.
Accept them as they are or get the hell out.
Strong women.
Liberal women.
Family women
Beautiful women.
They say "Take me as I am because this is me and I am beautiful!"
And I am finally home.
I learn their language,
Their habits,
Their styles,
Their cooking,
Their life.
Our skin may be different but our hearts match.
This is home.
The home of my abuelitas, is my home too.


Truth
The truth is,
I have no idea.

I know NOTHING.

And that is a line heard around the world,
Like that shot.
You know the one in history that started a war?

The one I don't remember... thus proving again my point.

Which is not what i intended to say

What I intend
is to point out what I cannot mend.
Those who refuse to bend
and then end
where they could begin

And why should I?

Is there something to fix
what is this itch?
The need...
for vocabulary that does not heed
to change what does indeed
not NEED at all
to fall
into my own white assumptions
under the presumption
that my presence means anything other than another
pain in the ass
white middle class
unknowing son of a bitch
that thinks that a white brain
knows better than a brown heart.

Because in this culture
you are seen like a vulture
and honey nobody likes
an ugly bird who eats road kill and shits out their mouth.

Which is what they see when you...
and me
Think we know better than any other human being
which we don't
and won't

Not now
Not ever
Not even when we get to Heaven
assuming we get there...
which is another prayer,
but for now What is truth?

Truth is no one knows
and no one cares
not in their depths
because with every breathe
we are performing a selfish act
taking from the world
what little is has to give
using that life to destroy the only thing letting us live
Such damage to a beautiful thing
and yet we are human
the selfish breath offers human depth
which sets us on a mission
to be granted permission
to fill the position
to spew truth
that is in our own view
and no one else's
and so we are selfish
and truth seems to be a personal matter.

And Then
Tears
at in-oppertune times
I see you after a whole year
and I'm still in love with the woman you used to be.
You aren't that person
I don't even know you.
Maybe I never did.
It could have been 10 months of bullshit
but I fell harder than I ever have in that time.
We said things we believed to be true
and when you were no longer satisfied you dropped me
like a hot rock.
You want full attention from everyone on you
all the time
and I am better without you
but I care
I crave the times we were in love.
I lust for you body swaying with mine
in the dark of my room
our voices singing along
saying "you are the reason I come home"
Promising to marry
to stay strong.
It was by no means easy, but it was true and fulfilling
supporting, motivating, sexual, romantic, fun, laughter
sometimes fights, but it was good
and then...
it was gone

I Must Be Lonely
And I must be lonely
Because in my spare time
I wander to you
To all of you.
to the first who's fist I still feel on my face and body.
Who taught me to yell until someone besides me
is crying
The meaning of enabler and insanity defined by her
The good times are overcome by the bad
and yet they have to be somewhere.
I wonder if you are better
or if life will ever be stable
and I give thanks for not knowing
For the distance
For the freedom
because three years is a long time to lose yourself
and three years is a lot of clothes to separate
and three years does not just disappear like the bruises did.
and I never look back and crave you...
unlike the next.
Tall and exotic.
A whirlwind of a blip on my radar
who healed me and set me free.
Free to be myself and to love the life I was given.
To find the one who had my heart...
And she was young and new and exciting.
An attraction with undeniable strength
A craving that never slowed
Full of dancing and heart skipping and excitement.
Ending the day intertwined.
A slow dance full of promises that were quickly broken.
In a moment a fragile heart, breaks into millions of pieces
and falls deeper than ever before.
A heart stolen and tossed away like scraps.
And experiment gone wrong
and back to your old ways
while I cry myself into utter abandon
Your pain stuck with me to the next who was perfect
but I couldn't
It was what I deserved
but I wanted you.
I broke someone else because of you...
and how dare you!
and when I got what I wanted
one night left me full of closure, but empty again.
and I must just be lonely.

Just This Once
For once I wanna talk about JOY
Pure and unadulterated.

Like letting your skin touch the sun
windows down with the perfect soundtrack

that ache in your side
when laughter becomes tears
becomes silence
becomes JOY.

I wanna talk about GOOD.
A smile and whistle 'cause
I can't hold it in

Waking up and feeling alive
not wanting to hit snooze.

When a meal with friends
becomes a night
of wine and memories
that are GOOD.

I wanna read news that is HAPPY.
See statuses that aren't angry.
I want to see smiles and not frowns.

Because just this once we deserve a day off from it all.

An eternally sunny, soundtracked, fun filled bliss of a life.

We deserve:
JOY
LAUGHTER
SONGS
SMILES
REST
FRIENDS
HAPPINESS

and

LOVE.

and just this once I wanna talk about that.

Year One Recapped

As I transitioned into my new year I needed to tell my story of last year... but where to start?? So I did what I do best.. I made a list.

This year I:

• Lived in a house with 4 other women
• Lived on $90 a month
• Learned to be family with strangers
• Was a minority for the first time
• Rode busses, walked or biked everywhere including the grocery store
• Gardened out of necessity
• Lived in a room that used to the be the Laundry Room
• Couponed a lot
• Experienced poverty, violence and crime
• Painted a mural
• Fed the hungry
• Watched 7 kids graduate high school that were told they would never live to 18
• Marched in the nations largest MLK march
• Lived and worked in two yellow houses
• Attended a Bi-lingual church
• Worked shorlty at a day care int eh projects
• Took teenagers camping
• Drove a stick shift successfully
• Picked up trash
• Made tamales from scratch
• Traved to: New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, New York, Tenessee and Mexico
• Wrote grants
• Learned to meditate
• Read more of the Bible than ever before
• Went RVing for the first time
• Found God outside of the four walls
• Slept whenever I could
• Made new friends
• Lost my grandmother
• Played music everywhere
• learned that basketball is just no my game
• Went on a delegation to Mexio that changed my life
• Fought for immigrant rights
• Became well versed inteh DREAM Act
• Built a labrynth
• Learned Mandala meditation
• Got a puppy
• Fixed showers, mowers, doors, cars, stoves and toilets... to name a few
• Spoke a whole of of Spanish
• Found out that the best food is in the creepy places
• Made friends with a cute elderly lady that come for food assisatnce
• Experienced my first earthquake
• Taught a confirmation class
• Didn't watch TV
• Got my butt pinched by lots of well meaning old ladies
• Lived in the Barrio
• Fed thanksgiving meal to over 600 people
• Tie Dyed
• Swam in public pools
• Saw drug deals
• Met gang members
• Made hundreds of power points
• Had moms tell me to quit serving PB and J
• Saw a badger for the first time
• Got my bike stolen
• Learned that there will always be more growing to do
• Found out that Sometimes the hardest people to love are the ones I can learn the most from
• Saw that Mennonites are seriously awesome
• Met other volunteers my age
• Spent hours arguing with one roommate
• Stopped holding people to my expectations
• Learned to go with the flow
• Adjusted to San Antonio time where 11 means 11:20
• Lots of arts and crafts
• Learned tha teenagers are the same everywhere, no matter what
• Chopped down a tree
• Crocheted over 20 hats
• Finally got along with my roommate
• Cooked all kinds of new foods
• Found out that I will be judged because of the color of my skin
• Found social justice to be my passion
• Worked a food bank delivery day
• Killed lots of cockroaches
• Taugh a kid to fish
• Re-learned algebra
• Learned taht you must put cumin in everyhting
• Called animal controll
• Met kids who changed my life
• Became a family with 4 women I woul dhave never even chosen to live with and will never forget because they are now my sisters
• I joined a church
• Finally heard my calling
• Picked seminaryies
• Laughed, cried, yelled was angry, sad, frustrated, enlightened, centered and every other emotion possible

But mostly this year I found myself, my God and my calling and no words can describe how greatful I am.

Plans and puppies!

Everyone I did what I said I would never do! I got a puppy. Now when I say got I mean more like was given one. My friend found little Bella at a car wash covered in mud and bugs and rescued her. She couldn't keep her and well I'm a sucker so now Bella is apart of our community!

Summer has officially started. Not just judging on weather but also on the school calendar. 7 kids are graduating from high school that go to house of teens! That means that 100% of our seniors are graduating. These kids were told they would never make it to graduation and they are proving everyone wrong! It is truly awesome to be apart of their lives and be alongside them as they all move on to continuing education of some sort! The community they grew up in is made up of 60% non high school graduates. As for summer program we are switching it up a bit! Mondays we are doing service projects Tuesday is office hours and then teen night Wednesday is afternoon at the pool Thursday is office hours and Friday afternoon I will be teaching some of the kids piano and/or guitar! Summer is all about fun time with the kids and some good time to plan for next years program.

Speaking of next year I have decided to stay and do a second volunteer year here in the same spot!! The kids need stability and I need one more year of prep for seminary! Yes I have decided on that too! I'm looking at MDiv/MSW dual degree programs. That is masters of divinity and masters of social work.

In the past month I have been heading up a massive funding campaign and last week we sent out close to 80 request letters to different central Texas foundations. They may be no goes or they may end up giving us support! Pray for the latter! Grants have become my constant project when I am at work but not with the youth. I really like writing them.

I also began reading the Bible on a 6 month plan about 15 days ago. This is the first time I have really sunk myself into the Bible and strangely enough I'm really enjoying the old testament. New testament I'm already familiar with the stories so it's sort of repetitive for me. Just another thing for seminary prep!

Hope you are all doing well! An of you are in Texas drink plenty of water and try not to fry in the coming months!

Peace,
Kelsey

Grief and New Life.

Hey guys,

I know it has been a very long time. Just after my birthday in mid Feb. my grandmother passed away. It was rather unexpected. She had been in remission from Breast cancer and doing remarkably well. From what I have heard from my uncles and aunts she had a beautiful last day. A good meal with three of her five children, a beautiful sunset and a nice evening of conversations with her family. She went to bed and an hour or so later she woke up complining of intense stomach pain. (not unusual for her and her ninny stomach) but she insisted on going to the hospital. She walked herself to the car and my uncles called the ambulance to meet them at the bottom of our 7 mile ranch road that is pretty much full hill. They ended up sending the helicopter because half way down my Mimi passed out. By the time they reached the paramedics she was gone. A massive heart attack. The upside is she did not suffer. They said that even if she had been at a hospital when it happened nothing would have stopped it. She went how she wanted to. She did not lose dignity or brain function before she passed. She died fully herself and not really needing any help to do daily things. The problem with sudden death is that it leaves the survivors in complete shock. Mimi lived with me from when I was born until I was 2 and then my mom and I lived with her from 1st-5th grade. Then she moved in across the apartment parking lot from us for 7th-11th grade. She was my rock, my guide, my idol. I had a special relationship with her, we were very much alike and she molded me into the woman I am today. My world was shattered. It still is and I don't know when if ever it will get back to "normal." I suppose God had a reason for putting me in San Antonio because I was a short drive away from home. I spent about a week with my family grieving and doing funeral stuff. She looked peaceful and beautiful and we sent her off in a proper Irish fashion.

In the midst of all of this we had a new person join our community. She brought a breath of fresh air and a nice recommitment to our covenant.

The Lenton season was rough for me it included a death a breakup and never a moment for rest or proper grieving. The Easter season has begun my healing process. The Catholic side of this community really showed itself in the Maundy Thursday service, the Via Cruces (way of the cross) and Easter Sunday. It was a nice reminder of Mimi who was a devout Roman Catholic and tried her hardest to get me to convert. On Easter Sunday 5 of my House of Teens kids were confirmed and I joined the church! During Lent I decided to stay another year here in SA and that after next year I will head on to Seminary... don't know which one, but I am just trying to follow the call. Seeing those kids join the church was a real testiment to the program and how a positive community can really rescue a child from the chaos of the Westside.

As for Easter itself it was great. We had a few moms in town so we had a week of free groceries! We had a potluck Easter meal with the Jesuit Volunteers and an easter egg hunt with them. Found out that we are all terribly competitive. We had a beautiful Stations of the Cross. The church garden was the perfect place. I played percussion for the church band on Easter and I think they are going to keep me playing with them.

We have been more busy than usual this month. We got back Sunday evening from a Women's retreat in Port A! The beach was nice, not too sea weed infested! It was a great time to get to know more of the women at the church. I also learned a new meditation practice that really helps me with my spiritual disciplines of meditation and solitude. It is Mandala work. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandala

We leave Thursday in the early hours to drive to Tucson for a Spring Retreat with the Hollywood YAVs. We are going to participate in the Borderlinks program. http://www.borderlinks.org/ It is going to be tough but very inspiring I am sure. We return late Tuesday night.

THEN the weekend of the 27th the DR staff is running a camp for the community at HEB camp.A chance for the inner city to have a country retreat as families and a chance to take the church to the streets as we like to say around here.

THEN the first weekend in May I am headed to a VEV conference in Denver. I feel like I dont have much breathing room these days!

I put more pictures up so check the link at the top of the blog and flip through to see some craziness.

For now I am keeping my head above water and taking it one day at a time just like my Mimi taught me to.

Peace
Kelsey

Ch-Ch-Changes!

A lot has changed since I last wrote. Mostly in my placement. I was working a split placement... One at Inman Center and one at House of Teens.

As everyone knows and most are feeling by now, the economy in the US is hurting. Due to this Inman Christian Center was making major cutbacks, they discontinued all of their programming except the childcare (which is where I was working). With these cutbacks they also "let go" all of the administration and any excess workers (groundskeeper, janitor... two directors... the list goes on). The person who ended up in charge after all of these changes would have been number four in charge at the beginning. Also, with all of the chaos they forgot a few very important things when it came to my presence. Background checks were not completed (nothing to find, but still) I was never sent to training or first aid classes that are required for childcare... The new person in charge finally figured all of this out and not so nicely asked why I hadn't questioned the fact that all of this wasn't done. And so began a two week period of hell! Every day 5 mins before I left the center I would be called into the office and told all of the things I did wrong that day. They were also having such financial problems that any chance we had at payment was out the window. I spoke to my site leader and we attempted to mend all of this, but in the end we all came to the same conclusion... Maybe I was best suited for a different placement. I was very sad to leave the beautiful children I had spent my months with. All they need is love. Love that they don't get at home. They just wanted someone to care and give them positive attention. Check out the pictures link to see how cute they all are!! My little favorite kiddo gave me huge hugs and was very confused as to why I was leaving... I will be checking in on them from time to time though.

The changes at Inman came at an interesting time for House of Teens. Andrew, a former Mennonite Volunteer, had been running H.o.T. for about 4 years, plus the year he volunteered there. He was offered a job closer to his wife's family out of state. They have a young son and raising him near family was important to them and it offered a great oppertunity for Drew. He took the job and his last week was the first week of December. With this there was some staffing change. Lauren moved up from assistant director to full director and H.o.T. was in need of someone to spend more time. Worked out quite nicely that Inman wasn't going well. I don't really believe in coinsidence, I choose to believe that God had His plan going the whole time! So starting in this new year, I moved full time to H.o.T.!! Now one might ask, how does someone work full time for an after school program?? The answer is simple: Grant Writing. Along with some other necessary office work and planning and such I am now writing grants. House of Teens is completly supported by donation and grants and this will be a great oppertunity for me to hone in on a skill I was taught minimally about in college. Plus working two placements was leading to a lack of presence in either place. Week one is over of the new hours and I feel so much better. I am able to give the kids more attention and engergy and be more helpful in general.

Update over.

While home on Christmas break (which was weird to begin with, YAV has changed me and not my family and friends... go figure!) I had good chance to talk with friends and family about the goings on in this country. I also received a book from a church member that has brought up some interesting points of thought for me. The book is called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.

 "I think Jesus feels strongly about communicating the idea of our brokenness, and I think it is worth reflection. Nothing is going to change in the Congo until you and I figure out what is wrong with the person in the mirror."- Blue Like Jazz

I find it hard to verbalize how this year has changed me so far. But it has. For the better I think. I know that other YAVs will understand this feeling, but I find it hard now to be in my "other world" away from YAV. My perspective on life has changed. I feel like the bubble I grew up in is not somewhere I want to be. I struggled with seeing people who are still in the bubble, I'm not saying they are ignorant to the world beyond, but I had a hard time even feeling comfortable in situations I would have felt at home in just 4 months ago. I missed my community, my new church, my kids, my support system. Hell I missed Mexican food and speaking Spanish. The idea that YAV is just one year and I will have to move on after was a thought that was constant. What do I do now that I know social justice is such an important thing for me?? Where do I go from here? Where is God calling me? and how does this fit in to what I already have lived? So many questions!! To let go and let God is a very terrifying and freeing experience. I know He will provide, but it is a little scary to put myself out there. The world has such beauty in it, and such distruction. How do we focus on the beauty without loosing sight of the brokenness? Living in the Westside community I am faced with brokenness all day. I struggle to see the beauty sometimes, but the strength of this culture speaks for itself. The things that I from my background see as "broken" in reflection are just things that I haven't experienced. My job here is not to change them, it is to let them change me. Seems backwards sometimes to me, but you know what? There are millions of ways to live life. Everyone struggles. Everyone succeeds. Every life story is different and beautiful. This need for "fixing" is becoming a pet peeve of mine. Who says it needs to be fixed? Is it me? There is always room for improvement, but just because something isn't going how I want it does not mean it is broken. I can't tell someone that my way is right and their way is wrong. I can learn and make a new way. A blend. I agree with Donald Miller in that I think Jesus wants us to see the brokenness and that it is worth giving thought to. I also agree that the change has to start in me. However, I think that the change has to happen IN me. It has to begin and end in me, in the "mirror" as Miller states. Those difficult to verbalize changes have begun in me and I'm sure will continue for my entire life. People aren't static. I wish to be a sponge in the world and become the most full human being I can. This is meerly the beginning.

Peace and Blessings,
Kelsey

We are reading this book as part of our community on spiritual diciplines (Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth by Richard J. Foster).

The first bit was about inward disciplines. Meditation, Prayer, Fasting and Study. I started these a few months ago. I took on the dicipline of Meditation. When I say meditation the secular world sends our minds to the OM and the Eastern culture and practice of emptying your mind to reach salvation. The meditation that I took on was of a very different style. The particular practice I took on is practiced by stilling yourself and then putting your palms down and reciting all of the things you want to pray about... could be words or situations or feelings, you push them all out. Then you put your palms up and wait... and wait... and listen. Now we all know those are not things I am particularly good at, which is why I decided to take on the discipline itself. I enjoyed the centering process. It really relaxed me and made me feel so in touch with God. This year was about listening to what God had to say to me and what His plan is and this discipline is teaching me how to listen when I didn't know how to myself. Untill now God's only way of communicating with me has been to basically smack me in the face with whatever His plan has been for me... I'm not God, but I'm sure He is very happy that I have decided to start listening.

The second part of this book is about the outward disciplines which we started this week. Simplicity, Solitude, Submission and Service. Simplicity is a practice I took on at the very begining of this year as I made the commitment to my YAV year and to simple living. So taking on that discipline was not really anything new. Service is also something I am currently doing... duh. So that left solitude and submission. Solitude is something I struggle with... and since this year is about pushing myself... well there we go! Solitude is not about being alone as the name suggests. The book compares solitude and silence and says one cannot occur without the other. I'm not good at either of those. In fact I would go as far as to say those two things are some of my worst fears. I struggle with them. The quiet moments before bed scare me to the point of needing noise to fall asleep. I don't know why and I'm sure as I explore this new discipline more will come to light. But these two things are also oppertunities to sit with God. Jesus repeatedly withdrew into silence and solitude. A place he even relied on in times of trouble. I won't list them... the book did that and if you want more info send me an email... but I feel God calling me to this. Solitude isn't about being alone, it is about being quiet and centered. And that word continues to come up. The actual practice of solitude has no guidelines... it is an awareness. There are action steps I can take towards becoming more disciplined, but those are not clear to me yet. I am contimplating taking one day a week to be silent... the reality of that may be difficult given my busy schedule, but I would like to try. One of the things I am going to be super aware of is the act of self-justification. We as humans feel the need to explain our words and our actions with more words. We think that we need to explain ourselves to the people around us. We care entirely too much about how other people view us and understand us. I care too much what people think. God should be our justification. Part of the solitude is to stop explaining myself and let the space that I would have taken up using words to let God fill me and the people around me. God is my justification for being, for breathing.I am anticipating this to be a very difficult practice for me... it hits on some of my core fears and insecurities, but I have an amazing support system here in my community and at home and in the people I love. This year is about growth right??

I had inteded this blog to be about something entirely different, but I guess I haven't journaled today so I had other things going on in my brain!

Don't forget to check out the pictures... there is a link at the top of my blog.

Also I am at 70% of my fundraising and if you are feeling the giving spirit please help me: 
http://gamc.pcusa.org/ministries/yav/support-yavs/
Peace and Blessings,
Kelsey

The Name of the Game is Frustration.

I know it has been a while since I have blogged, but taking time out to blog is not always an easy task. I have been journaling every night so that I can get the brief overview in here. This is a bit of a rant I realize, but I am loving my placement and everything about my life... just thought I'd express some of the frustrations I'm having in the spirit of full disclosure.

First let me say that if I were a 3 year old... I would nap. There are some that just pass right out when it is time for nap and then there are the ones who take an hour of patting their backs to get them to sleep. The ones who ask to go to the bathroom 20 million times, play with their blankets, don't stay on their mat and of course the one kid in the corner who talks to himself for the entire 2 hours of nap time. All I want to do is nap!! Just not fair! :)

I know I'm not supposed to play favorites, but one of my favorite little ones was moved up form the 3 yr olds to the 4 yr olds. I still get called into his new classroom, because he throws fits and refuses to behave until I get called in. I understand his frustration though. He is a new kid again. I feel that way too. Things aren't as they usually are, we cant find things, there are new people in charge and new people to be friends with. The new kids have to stick together.

House of Teens was tagged at the begenning of the month. Tagged is the lovely slang word used for graffiti. Some gang spray painted our building. Shocking for me, apparently not for the kids. The boys have also taken up a bit of an attitude here of late. Having not ever been a teenage boy I don't know if this is common or not. I'm struggeling with how to reach them. Telling them not to do something makes them want to do it more. So how do I get them to behave?? The biggest issues are with language and appropriate conversations. They have literally no respect for women. I found all of this out during a weekend trip to John Knox Rach with 12 of our teens. They got to hike and canoe and fish and swim and do a service project and a ropes course. It was awesome to watch them experience the hill country for the first time and also to build more relationships with them, but you also get to see true colors and the boys have some respect to work on. The girls are hysterical and fun loving, but we cant expect the boys to change if the girls continue to allow the boys to speak to them and treat them with disrespect.

After the lovely weekend trip I was sick as a dog!! I am not good at being sick... I'm very pitiful. Rest I have found is difficult for me. Staying in bed was very frustrating and frustration does not lend itself to healing. I am still struggeling with the idea that I need to take more time for myself to rest. I am a "yes" person and saying no is again, frustrating.

On the community front, we had a huge blow up that I thought was going to permanent damage to our group... Turns out that once everyone lays everything out there a real healing bond is formed. I know that the struggles I find within intentional community are the areas in which I am growing most. Strange how that works. I started off wishing that it would be easier to live with strangers and now I am starting to enjoy the challenge.

In my fight against frustration I realized that I needed something tangable. I needed something to show me real progress and without naming that I had already begun working in the back yard. Cleaning it up. Planting a garden. Finding a fire pit. Trimming branches. Mowing and weed eating. Geting all of my frustration out in a physical manner. I also have begun to build a labrynth. I cleared an area, leveled it the best I could, used some of the branches I cut down to make the perimeter and the off to Home Depot for sand and rocks. I didn't get enough sand the first time and so a second trip was necessary, but of course since the name of the game is frustration the first Home Depot was closed and so I had to find another one!! 15 sand bags later and I still didn't have enough!! GRRRRRRRRR!! I will try again this upcoming Friday. I want to get the back yard all nice and set up for Kathryn's (one of my housemates) birthday which is on Halloween!!

Now that my frustrated rant is over... I have started the spiritual disicipline of meditation. God tells you amazing things when you sit back and listen!

I'm still trying to find a dark room to use for some fun photography and a bit of me time.

And on a side note... I may never get tired of good home cooked Tex-Mex.

Peace and Blessings
Kelsey