Tuesday, May 7, 2013

A Peek Inside

I am hesitant to share what I am going to share in this post... but I have decided that full disclosure and honesty is a good way to go about life. I'm feeling a little nervous about this post so just take it easy on me. The words and feelings in these poems are not all feelings I still feel.

Most of the time when I "journal" I end up writing poetry. They are not always beautiful or powerful or even that interesting, but I find that there are some that I go back to re-read. Some that resonate with me. So I decided to type a few of those up.


Mis Abuelitas
Branches reach out like the open arms of an abuelita
I found my abuelitas in a small church in the barrio.
Open arms and hearts took me in at my most vulnerable
Warm abrazos and besos on the cheek.
Hand holding and butt pinching.
They are REAL and honest.
Accept them as they are or get the hell out.
Strong women.
Liberal women.
Family women
Beautiful women.
They say "Take me as I am because this is me and I am beautiful!"
And I am finally home.
I learn their language,
Their habits,
Their styles,
Their cooking,
Their life.
Our skin may be different but our hearts match.
This is home.
The home of my abuelitas, is my home too.


Truth
The truth is,
I have no idea.

I know NOTHING.

And that is a line heard around the world,
Like that shot.
You know the one in history that started a war?

The one I don't remember... thus proving again my point.

Which is not what i intended to say

What I intend
is to point out what I cannot mend.
Those who refuse to bend
and then end
where they could begin

And why should I?

Is there something to fix
what is this itch?
The need...
for vocabulary that does not heed
to change what does indeed
not NEED at all
to fall
into my own white assumptions
under the presumption
that my presence means anything other than another
pain in the ass
white middle class
unknowing son of a bitch
that thinks that a white brain
knows better than a brown heart.

Because in this culture
you are seen like a vulture
and honey nobody likes
an ugly bird who eats road kill and shits out their mouth.

Which is what they see when you...
and me
Think we know better than any other human being
which we don't
and won't

Not now
Not ever
Not even when we get to Heaven
assuming we get there...
which is another prayer,
but for now What is truth?

Truth is no one knows
and no one cares
not in their depths
because with every breathe
we are performing a selfish act
taking from the world
what little is has to give
using that life to destroy the only thing letting us live
Such damage to a beautiful thing
and yet we are human
the selfish breath offers human depth
which sets us on a mission
to be granted permission
to fill the position
to spew truth
that is in our own view
and no one else's
and so we are selfish
and truth seems to be a personal matter.

And Then
Tears
at in-oppertune times
I see you after a whole year
and I'm still in love with the woman you used to be.
You aren't that person
I don't even know you.
Maybe I never did.
It could have been 10 months of bullshit
but I fell harder than I ever have in that time.
We said things we believed to be true
and when you were no longer satisfied you dropped me
like a hot rock.
You want full attention from everyone on you
all the time
and I am better without you
but I care
I crave the times we were in love.
I lust for you body swaying with mine
in the dark of my room
our voices singing along
saying "you are the reason I come home"
Promising to marry
to stay strong.
It was by no means easy, but it was true and fulfilling
supporting, motivating, sexual, romantic, fun, laughter
sometimes fights, but it was good
and then...
it was gone

I Must Be Lonely
And I must be lonely
Because in my spare time
I wander to you
To all of you.
to the first who's fist I still feel on my face and body.
Who taught me to yell until someone besides me
is crying
The meaning of enabler and insanity defined by her
The good times are overcome by the bad
and yet they have to be somewhere.
I wonder if you are better
or if life will ever be stable
and I give thanks for not knowing
For the distance
For the freedom
because three years is a long time to lose yourself
and three years is a lot of clothes to separate
and three years does not just disappear like the bruises did.
and I never look back and crave you...
unlike the next.
Tall and exotic.
A whirlwind of a blip on my radar
who healed me and set me free.
Free to be myself and to love the life I was given.
To find the one who had my heart...
And she was young and new and exciting.
An attraction with undeniable strength
A craving that never slowed
Full of dancing and heart skipping and excitement.
Ending the day intertwined.
A slow dance full of promises that were quickly broken.
In a moment a fragile heart, breaks into millions of pieces
and falls deeper than ever before.
A heart stolen and tossed away like scraps.
And experiment gone wrong
and back to your old ways
while I cry myself into utter abandon
Your pain stuck with me to the next who was perfect
but I couldn't
It was what I deserved
but I wanted you.
I broke someone else because of you...
and how dare you!
and when I got what I wanted
one night left me full of closure, but empty again.
and I must just be lonely.

Just This Once
For once I wanna talk about JOY
Pure and unadulterated.

Like letting your skin touch the sun
windows down with the perfect soundtrack

that ache in your side
when laughter becomes tears
becomes silence
becomes JOY.

I wanna talk about GOOD.
A smile and whistle 'cause
I can't hold it in

Waking up and feeling alive
not wanting to hit snooze.

When a meal with friends
becomes a night
of wine and memories
that are GOOD.

I wanna read news that is HAPPY.
See statuses that aren't angry.
I want to see smiles and not frowns.

Because just this once we deserve a day off from it all.

An eternally sunny, soundtracked, fun filled bliss of a life.

We deserve:
JOY
LAUGHTER
SONGS
SMILES
REST
FRIENDS
HAPPINESS

and

LOVE.

and just this once I wanna talk about that.

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